Our regular annual rewording of a well-known song to a transport related theme continues.
Even more so than previous years, the tradition of a most inappropriate song, not in keeping with Christmas cheer, is posted on Christmas Day. If you are still in the Christmas spirit and wish to remain that way we suggest you come back another day or at least go straight to the paragraph marked The New Words. If, on the other hand, your brain needs a dose of hard reality to counter the effects of everyone around you being jolly just because it is Christmas then read on.
In 1959 a new song appeared called Fings Ain’t Wot They Used T’Be. It came from a new production of the same name that debuted in Stratford, East London, and was written by a talented composer and lyricist called Lionel Bart. The combination of the words and music of that song was tuneful, witty, hard hitting – and is now almost completely forgotten. One could also argue that they were in extremely bad taste. Those original lyrics are very hard to find but if you want to read them they are here.
The production was quite a success in its day and it transferred to a run at the Garrick Theatre. Amongst the performers were a young, but already well established, Barbara Windsor and a, then comparatively unknown, Yootha Joyce who later achieved fame as Mildred in “George and Mildred”.
In homage to the song and the production it came from we will present our modern take on it. Sadly our inappropriate Christmas parody is a pale imitation of the original.
The song we are talking about came from what was, for some reason, referred to as “a play with music”. It was not family entertainment. It centred on two low-life characters and the song was a deeply satirical one sung by the two iniquitous characters complaining about how the endemic criminal endeavours were disappearing from the streets.
Various topical themes of the day are prominent in the lyrics. To some this may make the words seem dated, to others it highlights the issues and tensions of the period – especially in Soho and the East End.
On gambling, which was soon to become legalised in various forms, there was reference with the words Big hoods now are little hoods, gamblers now do Littlewoods – referring to Littlewoods Pools which had expanded greatly as door-to-door collectors were introduced by the company in 1957. Another reference is to the illegal card schools and the amount of money that changed hands.
Homosexuality was still illegal but then sufficiently openly displayed for the song to mockingly refer to poofs in coffee bars – perhaps Lionel Bart got away with that because he was gay himself. The changing attitude to morality was also highlighted by the delightfully clever line How we used to pull for them, I’ve got news for Wolfenden referring to the 1957 Wolfenden Report which advocated more tolerance on homosexuality but a crackdown on prostitution.
Perhaps the hardest hitting line concerning the sex trade was the one trivialising how brutal life could be by those whose lives were totally subservient to their criminal masters: Once in golden days of yore, ponces killed a lazy whore. The fact that this was in a jolly song was probably intended by Lionel Bart to really make it hit home all the more. Bart came from the East End and probably would have been aware of the realities of the day. Lest anyone think that this line is an exaggeration, it would be worth mentioning a book written about East End life at this time by Jennifer Worth – Call the Midwife – upon which the highly sanitised TV series is based. The chapter entitled “Cable Street” and the one that follows it leave you in little doubt that, if there is any exaggeration in these shocking words, it is not substantial.
Unfortunately for the composer, the song was never going to be popular with the original words and artists have to earn enough money to live. It was not entirely surprising that in the early 1960 Lionel Bart released a fresh set of words that looked back in a cosy nostalgic way to how things were. All all the bite taken away from the now cleaned up lyrics. You probably know the rest. Some of the rhyming was as clever as ever and the opening line They changed our local palais into to a bowling alley epitomised that as well as setting the scene. However some lines such as We would dance from twelve to three, I’ve got news for Elvis P, although noticably similar, were not a patch on the original lines.
As well has an almost total complete change of words, the revised version lost the introductory verse. Practically spoken it really set the tone for what followed in a way that a chorus shouting the the line Oi, do me a favour could never do.
The sanitised song got sung by Max Bygraves, who also sung various musical masterpieces such as You’re a pink toothbrush, I’m a blue toothbrush and Gilly, Gilly, Ossenfeffer, Katzenellen Bogen by the Sea. The song was further popularised, if such a thing was necessary, by its inclusion in the 1960 Royal variety Performance.
Some how one suspects the original would never have made it.
After that Bart clearly saw which way his bread was buttered. He subsequently took a hard hitting story by Charles Dickens named after its main character – an orphan from the workhouse called Oliver Twist – and turned it into a jolly musical. The principal woman in the story was a prostitute called Nancy although it is only in the first edition of the Charles Dickens’ book that she is referred to as such. Victorian sensibilities ensured that later editions couldn’t have a character from such a profession invoking sympathy. By the time Bart had written his music Nancy becomes a child-friendly lovable character who sings jolly uplifting songs – a sort of down-market Mary Poppins.
The original words of “Fings” were largely forgotten and look destined to stay that way. However in 2014 there was a revival of the play at Stratford. We don’t know if all the original words were used but presume so. In another connection to Eastenders, the female lead was played by Jessica Wallace. On Good Morning she and her co-star, Mark Arden, sang the song. It was much more in the spirit of the original – though some lines from the dreaded Max Bygraves version made it there to replace some of the lines that really were not fit for breakfast TV. Most of these substituted lines appear early on.
Unfortunately to get hold of the original unadulterated song sung in all its glory, as it was in the original 1960 run at the Garrick Theatre, you have to pay 79p to download it here.
In our feeble attempt to do homage to the original and to present it in the same spirit, it is probably best if you imagine our version sung by a used car dealer and a taxi driver moaning about how public transport has got better over the years. This has led to many, especially in inner London making a lifestyle choice to do without a car and rely on public transport – and depriving them of their lucrative trade.
The New Words
There’s apps for bus arrival times and
maps with all the railway lines
Fings ain’t wot they used t’ be.
Bus fares paid by wave and pay,
bikes to hire and ride away
Fings ain’t wot they used t’ be.
Journeys were slow,
involving a wait
when one needed to change
now its “turn up and go”,
connections are great,
even a stranger finds it easyOne in not so olden days,
more roads were all the current craze
Fings ain’t wot they used t’ beChanges now are quite profound
with the London Overground
Fings ain’t wot they used t’ be
Trains are bright and new and clean,
something we’d not often seen,
Fings ain’t wot they used t’ be
You’d miss the last bus,
you’d curse and you’d cuss
now they run all night
And things will improve,
we’ll soon have the night tube
getting you right home by public transportOthers chose the bus instead,
I’ve got news for petrolheads
Fings ain’t wot they used to
Change is wot we’re used toFings ain’t wot they used t’ be
A Song more in keeping with Christmas – and Transport
Finally, we have Graham Feakins to thank for a much more appropriate posting for Christmas.
Merry Christmas from all the LR team!
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